Thursday, March 31, 2011

What Does Love Mean?

1. “When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.” Rebecca – age 8

2. When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.” Billy – age 4

3. “Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.” Karl – age 5

4. “Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.” Chrissy – age 6

5. “Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.” Terri – age 4

6. “Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.” Danny – age 7

7. “Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss” Emily – age 8

8. “Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen,” Bobby – age 7

9. “If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,” Nikka – age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka’s on this planet)

10. “Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.” Noelle – age 7

11. “Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.” Tommy – age 6

12. “During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared.looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore.” Cindy – age 8

13. “My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don’t see anyone else kissing
me to sleep at night.” Clare – age 6

14. “Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.” Elaine – age 5

15. “Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.” Chris – age 7

16. “Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.” Mary Ann – age 4

17. “I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.” Lauren – age 4

18. “When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.” (what an image) Karen – age 7

19. “You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.” Jessica – age 8

20. Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman’s yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, “Nothing, I just helped him cry.”

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Fat Girls Not Wanted

Notice how the not so perfect girl was edited out of the picture!

Friday, March 18, 2011

Dictionary For Decoding Women's Personal Ads:


Adventurous.......................Slept with everyone.

Athletic...............................No breasts.

Average looking....................Moooo.

Beautiful..............................Pathological liar.

Emotionally Secure..............On medication.


Free spirit............................Junkie.

Friendship first......................Former slut.

New-Age..............................Body hair in the wrong places.

Old-fashioned.......................No BJs.


Outgoing..............................Loud and Embarrassing.


Voluptuous..........................Very Fat.

Large frame.........................Hugely Fat.

Wants Soul mate.................Stalker.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Reasons for making / not making love

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
09 times you said weren’t in the mood
07 times you were sunburned
06 times you were watching the late show
05 times you didn’t want to mess up your new hairdo
03 times you said the neighbors would hear us
09 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
06 times you just laid there
08 times you reminded me there’s a crack in the ceiling
04 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
07 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
01 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move


I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn’t get more than you did:

05 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn’t cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
02 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
04 times you got it stuck in your zipper
03 times you had a cold and your nose was running
02 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
06 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc.on TV

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn’t talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was”Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?” The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Why Do They Wear Funny T-Shirts?

Good way to find daddy

Fat chance...

Heil Hitler!


Not religious??

Prison Pix

Only too glad to meet them

You're sure?

Ohh what a turn off


Great T-shirt


That is a good reason to drink

Sure we believe you...

Gone too far...

You wanna try?

Confirmed drinker

He he

What year?

And gained 400 pounds

Too drunk or too young?

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Fall Classes For Women - The Adult Learning Center

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How To Adjust A Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks. Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7 p.m.

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, Or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturdays 12 p.m. for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past A Wal-Mart Without Stopping? -- Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturdays 10 p.m. for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between A Purse And A Suitcase -- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2 p.m. for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons -- Can They Levitate And Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet? Examples On Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesdays and Thursdays for 2 hours beginning at 7 p.m.

Class 6
How To Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During The Program.
Help-Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 weeks, Friday's and Sundays 7 p.m.

Class 7
Can A Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds Of Soaps And Shampoos?
Open Forum
Mondays at 8 p.m. for 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch -- They Make Medicine For PMS -- USE IT!
Meets three nights: Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7 p.m. for 2 hours.
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