Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Life Lessons Learned From A Dog

1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.

2. Don't go out without ID.

3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.

4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.

5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.

6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the face is effective.

7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged out from under the bed).

8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.

Funny Funny Signs

Don't Say You Have Not Been Warned

Watch Out For Policemen

Not Meant For Dancing

Take It Down Then

No No No....

Good Advice

We just have to wait and see

Long Walk

Every Restaurant Should Have This Sign

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Think Before You Speak

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak
Have youu ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole?

Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, 'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?' I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls.'

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.' My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!' The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said 'No'. I kept thinking, 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.' Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?' 'No,' he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny, did you have an accident?' This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!' While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: 'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Global Recession

Everyone has to chip in

Monday, October 17, 2011

A Message From God

God looked down at the earth and wanted to know what kind of behavior was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When the angel returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not."

God was disappointed but thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion."

So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time, too.

True enough, when the second angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true - the Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good."

God was not pleased. He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to help them to continue being good.

Do you know what that E-mail said?

Neither do I; I didn't get one either ... hehehe!

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Who's Who

Wikipedia: I know everything!
Google: I have everything!
Facebook: I have everybody.
Internet: Without me you all are nothing.
Electricity: Keep talking bitches!
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