Anything And Everything

Dictionary For Women

2011-11-20T03:56:00.001-08:00

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card

Some Privacy Please

2011-11-19T19:37:00.001-08:00

Please leave us alone !!!

Simple Animal Test

2011-11-15T06:06:00.000-08:00

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.

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The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

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Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
Attend …. Except one. Which animal does not attend?

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Correct Answer : The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and
You do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

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Correct Answer:? You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the Professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.

Third-grade Test

2011-11-12T07:37:00.000-08:00

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, ‘Harry, what’s your problem?’

Harry answered, ‘I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!’

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal:
‘What is 3 x 3?’

Harry:
’9.’

Principal:
‘What is 6 x 6?’

Harry:
’36.’

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, ‘I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade’

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, ‘Let me ask him some questions..’

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, ‘What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?’

Harry, after a moment: ‘Legs.’

Ms. Brooks: ‘What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?’

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: ‘Pockets.’

Ms. Brooks: ‘What does a dog do that a man steps into?’

Harry: ‘Pants.’

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: ‘What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?’

The principal’s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied,

‘Bubble gum.’

Ms. Brooks: ‘What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?’

Harry: ‘Shake hands .’

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: ‘What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?’

Harry: ‘Firetruck.’

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, ‘Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.

Life Lessons Learned From A Dog

2011-10-25T23:51:00.001-07:00

1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.

2. Don't go out without ID.

3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.

4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.

5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.

6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the face is effective.

7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged out from under the bed).

8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.

Funny Funny Signs

2011-10-25T04:42:00.000-07:00

Don't Say You Have Not Been Warned

Watch Out For Policemen

Not Meant For Dancing

Take It Down Then

No No No....

Good Advice

We just have to wait and see

Long Walk

Every Restaurant Should Have This Sign

Think Before You Speak

2011-10-23T17:16:00.000-07:00

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak

Have youu ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole?

Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did:

FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, 'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?' I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls.'

THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.' My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!' The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said 'No'. I kept thinking, 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.' Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?' 'No,' he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny, did you have an accident?' This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!' While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: 'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Global Recession

2011-10-22T22:04:00.001-07:00

Everyone has to chip in

A Message From God

2011-10-17T01:56:00.000-07:00

God looked down at the earth and wanted to know what kind of behavior was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When the angel returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not."

God was disappointed but thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion."

So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time, too.

True enough, when the second angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true - the Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good."

God was not pleased. He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to help them to continue being good.

Do you know what that E-mail said?

No?

Neither do I; I didn't get one either ... hehehe!

Who's Who

2011-10-16T17:25:00.000-07:00

Wikipedia: I know everything!

Google: I have everything!

Facebook: I have everybody.

Internet: Without me you all are nothing.

Electricity: Keep talking bitches!

Bra Sizes

2011-04-24T03:32:00.001-07:00

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F are the letters used to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why, but couldn’t figure out what the letters stood for… It is about time you became informed:

A … Almost Boobs
B … Barely there.
C … Can’t Complain!
D … Damn!
DD… Double damn!
E … Enormous!
F … Fake

Mind Reading

2011-04-23T04:00:00.001-07:00

Only On Television

2011-04-19T04:01:00.000-07:00

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick’s Day parade – at any time of the year.

All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

It’s easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off – even while scuba diving.

The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

You’re likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of you sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

People of TV never finish their drinks.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

The chief of police is always black.

When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note – just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.

Kitchens don’t have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.

Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.

Wearing a singlet or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.

A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

If a killer is lurking in your house, it’s easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath – even if it’s the middle of the afternoon.

Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.

All single women have a cat.

Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.

Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, “Hello?, Hello?”

Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings – especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts – your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.

During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.

When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

Dogs always know who’s bad and will naturally bark at them.

Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.

No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.

If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.

You can always find a chain saw whenever you’re likely to need one.

Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son’s eighth birthday.

Many musical instruments – especially wind instruments and accordions – can be played without moving the fingers.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

Guns are like disposable razors – if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always buy a new one.

Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

Don't You Just Love These Funny Signs

2011-04-02T03:45:00.000-07:00

Wonder what this toilet sign message is. Beware of peeping toms?

The toilet should only be used for one purpose and no other things!

Yeah those on wheelchairs should not attempt dangerous stunts.

If this don't make you slow down, nothing else will.

Confusing... even the sign says good luck

You can say that again!

Which way is the one way?

You need to master quantam physics to understand this

What Does Love Mean?

2011-03-31T05:04:00.001-07:00

1. “When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.” Rebecca – age 8

2. When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.” Billy – age 4

3. “Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.” Karl – age 5

4. “Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.” Chrissy – age 6

5. “Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.” Terri – age 4

6. “Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.” Danny – age 7

7. “Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss” Emily – age 8

8. “Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen,” Bobby – age 7

9. “If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,” Nikka – age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka’s on this planet)

10. “Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.” Noelle – age 7

11. “Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.” Tommy – age 6

12. “During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared.looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore.” Cindy – age 8

13. “My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don’t see anyone else kissing
me to sleep at night.” Clare – age 6

14. “Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.” Elaine – age 5

15. “Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.” Chris – age 7

16. “Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.” Mary Ann – age 4

17. “I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.” Lauren – age 4

18. “When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.” (what an image) Karen – age 7

19. “You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.” Jessica – age 8

20. Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman’s yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, “Nothing, I just helped him cry.”

Fat Girls Not Wanted

2011-03-27T16:46:00.000-07:00

Notice how the not so perfect girl was edited out of the picture!

Dictionary For Decoding Women's Personal Ads:

2011-03-18T06:09:00.000-07:00

40-ish................................49.

Adventurous.......................Slept with everyone.

Athletic...............................No breasts.

Average looking....................Moooo.

Beautiful..............................Pathological liar.

Emotionally Secure..............On medication.

Feminist..............................Fat.

Free spirit............................Junkie.

Friendship first......................Former slut.

New-Age..............................Body hair in the wrong places.

Old-fashioned.......................No BJs.

Open-minded.......................Desperate.

Outgoing..............................Loud and Embarrassing.

Professional.........................Bitch.

Voluptuous..........................Very Fat.

Large frame.........................Hugely Fat.

Wants Soul mate.................Stalker.

Cool Anti-Smoking Advertisements

2011-03-17T08:23:00.000-07:00

Reasons for making / not making love

2011-03-16T05:06:00.000-07:00

TO MY DEAR WIFE:
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
09 times you said weren’t in the mood
07 times you were sunburned
06 times you were watching the late show
05 times you didn’t want to mess up your new hairdo
03 times you said the neighbors would hear us
09 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
06 times you just laid there
08 times you reminded me there’s a crack in the ceiling
04 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
07 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
01 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn’t get more than you did:

05 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn’t cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
02 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
04 times you got it stuck in your zipper
03 times you had a cold and your nose was running
02 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
06 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc.on TV

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn’t talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was”Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?” The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

Why Do They Wear Funny T-Shirts?

2011-03-13T07:39:00.000-07:00

Good way to find daddy

Fat chance...

Heil Hitler!

Nice

Not religious??

Prison Pix

Only too glad to meet them

You're sure?

Ohh what a turn off

Really?

Great T-shirt

Obvious

That is a good reason to drink

Sure we believe you...

Gone too far...

You wanna try?

Confirmed drinker

He he

What year?

And gained 400 pounds

Too drunk or too young?

Fall Classes For Women - The Adult Learning Center

2011-03-09T06:01:00.000-08:00

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How To Adjust A Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks. Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7 p.m.

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, Or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturdays 12 p.m. for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past A Wal-Mart Without Stopping? -- Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturdays 10 p.m. for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between A Purse And A Suitcase -- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2 p.m. for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons -- Can They Levitate And Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet? Examples On Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesdays and Thursdays for 2 hours beginning at 7 p.m.

Class 6
How To Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During The Program.
Help-Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 weeks, Friday's and Sundays 7 p.m.

Class 7
Can A Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds Of Soaps And Shampoos?
Open Forum
Mondays at 8 p.m. for 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch -- They Make Medicine For PMS -- USE IT!
Meets three nights: Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7 p.m. for 2 hours.

Lost In Translation

2010-10-16T22:21:00.001-07:00

Funny sitting arrangements

Now who would want to bath in a toilet, what water would you use?

Very dodgy and suspicious items on sale?

If you must fall, fall carefully

I wonder how fried pimple taste like

No trouble at all sir

I like mine washed in coleslaw please

You don't have to hang yourself on our behalf

Molesting is allowed here

I'm lost already

Have fun while bathing

Take the child while falling

Husband And Wife Quotes

2010-10-14T04:30:00.000-07:00

A man will pay two-dollars for a one-dollar item he needs, but a woman will pay one-dollar for a two-dollar item that she doesn't need.

A woman worries about her future until she finds a husband, but a man never worries about the future until he takes a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend, but a successful woman is one who can find such a man!!!

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

If your wife is shouting at the front door, and your dog is barking at the back door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in!

Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

If your wife laughs at your joke, it means you either have a good joke, or a good wife.

Why are married women heavier than single women? Because single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed, whereas married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge!

A nagging old woman at a party walked up to a belligerent old man and told him, "If you were my husband I would poison your drink!" To which he replied, "If you were my wife I would drink it!"

What's the difference between a wife and a mistress? About forty pounds! What's the difference between a husband and a boyfriend? About forty minutes!

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her!!!

Cool Anti Smoking Advertisements

2010-10-11T07:19:00.000-07:00

Questions

2010-10-10T02:22:00.000-07:00

Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use a lubricant.

Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
A. Money.

Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.

Q. How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!

Q: What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?
A: One is a Goodyear, and the other is a great year!

Q: Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts?
A: Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

Historically Accepted Uses Of The F-Word

2009-12-28T02:45:00.001-08:00

There are only ten times in history when the F-word has been considered acceptable for use. They are as follows:

1. "What the f*ck do you mean, we are Sinking?"
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912.

2. "What the f*ck was that?"
-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945.

3. "Where did all those f*cking Indians come from?"
-- Gen. Armstrong Custer, 1877.

4. "Any f*cking idiot could understand that."
-- Einstein, 1938.

5. "It does so f*cking look like her!"
-- Picasso, 1926.

6. "How the f*ck did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 B.C.

7. "You want WHAT on the f*cking ceiling?"
-- Michelangelo, 1566.

8. "Where the f*ck am I?"
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937.

9. "Scattered f*cking showers, my ass!"
-- Noah, 4314 B.C.

10. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this f*cking mad."
-- Saddam Hussein, 2003.

Job Guaranteed

2009-12-27T16:08:00.000-08:00

Because I'm a Man

2009-12-05T23:34:00.000-08:00

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling the AAA is not an option. I will win.

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers, as a form of holy communion.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole program looking for it.

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, hunting, sex, cars, sex, tractors, sex, fishing, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the film. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't...and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2009, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.... like wandering around in the garden with a beer, wondering what to do.

This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.

Great Inventions

2009-12-03T06:43:00.000-08:00

Convenient way to butter the bread

No more spilling. Direct to the eyes

Sleep in peace

No more losing umbrellas

Eating spaghetti without the hassle

Total protection against rain

Tissue on the ready

Noodle cooler

A spoon and a fork

Wouldn't every man loves this invention

Are You Smarter Than A Preschooler?

2009-12-02T05:34:00.001-08:00

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.

The correct answer is: open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2 . How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong answer.

Correct answer: open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The lion king is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend .... Except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct answer : the elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.? This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Correct answer:? You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the animal meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson consulting worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.

Funny Wedding Pictures

2009-11-30T06:19:00.000-08:00

I've always dreamed of an out of space wedding - Star Trek Wedding

Another one, this time Star Wars

Wonder what he is up to?

The only way he'll get married - stoned!

Wow lucky me!

Shotgun wedding?

Hey... my dress

Guess how long this marriage will last

And finally a word to the wise....

Lessons From A Dog's Life

2009-11-29T03:33:00.000-08:00

If a dog was your teacher, you would learn stuff like:

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.

Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

Take naps.

Stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On hot days, drink lots of water, and lie under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around, and wag your entire body.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.

Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently.

When you are having a bad day, lick your balls.

Strange Toothpaste Ad

2009-11-18T22:42:00.001-08:00

This toothpaste advertisement says it all

Procrastinator's Creed

2009-11-12T07:47:00.000-08:00

You may wish to delay reading this until you have more free time.

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possiblity for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

7. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

8. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

9. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

10. I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

Why Germany Lost World War II

2009-11-11T07:40:00.000-08:00

Some Kind Of Logic

2009-11-10T01:51:00.000-08:00

If your father is a poor man, it is your fate. But if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity.

I was born intelligent - education ruined me.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.

How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Money is not everything. There's Mastercard and Visa.

One should love animals. They are so tasty.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

Stupid Signs

2009-11-06T05:49:00.001-08:00

You have been warned

Will any brains do?

Yes that is the least you can do ... YELL!

Be sure to use the right camera

They must really hate soccer

Cause there is no where to put the coin in

Being big has its advantages

Keep it close

Journey Of A Man

2009-11-05T05:10:00.000-08:00

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.
Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

How Many On A Motorbike?

2009-11-04T02:35:00.000-08:00

What a load

Five on a bike

Eight people must be a record

Who needs a car anyway?

Sometimes one is too many

What Famous People Say About You Know What

2009-10-26T04:12:00.000-07:00

I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted - George Best

What do I know about sex? I’m a married man.” –Tom Clancy

“I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.” –Steve Martin

“Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it’s pretty damned good.” –Woody Allen

“Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.” –Unknown

“My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it kind of hard for him to come out of the closet.” –Bill Kelly

“Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.” –Henry Miller

“The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn’t mean that God doesn’t love heterosexuals. It’s just that they need more supervision.” –Lynn Lavner

“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.” –P. J. O’Rourke

“As the French say, there are three sexes–men, women and clergymen.” –Rev. Sydney Smith

“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.” –Woody Allen

“I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.” –George Burns

“It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.” –Matt Barry

“You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.” –Drew Carey

“Life is a sexually transmitted disease.” –Unknown

“Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.” –Woody Allen

“Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.” –George Burns

Funny Signs From Around The World

2009-10-22T08:11:00.000-07:00

This is from Thailand, they really respect drunks

A sign at an English pub

Anyone wants to try this Thailand restaurant?

How do they know?

You cannot even stand in New York

From Germany, very confusing sign

Australia, they always think of the husband

And in New Zealand also, seat for bored husbands

Defining Teenagers

2009-10-21T04:02:00.001-07:00

A Teenager is...

A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.

A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.

A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday.

Someone who can hear a song by Madonna played three blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.

A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed.

A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam and 12 hours for her driver's license.

A youngster who is well informed about anything he doesn't have to study.

An enthusiast who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.

A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud.

A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother.

A person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a rock concert.

A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.

A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.

A boy who can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the lawn needs mowing.

An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.

Great Sporting Moments

2009-10-20T03:23:00.000-07:00

Just checking

You are kicking the wrong ball

What are you pointing at?

Read the names on jersey

Take that

Wrestling football

What a kick

Wild start

A good footballer can balance the ball anywhere

Lost In Translation

2009-10-17T19:29:00.001-07:00

The following are from actual signs found in hotels and other venues in countries where English is not the main language.

1. In another Japanese hotel room: "Please to bathe inside the tub."

2. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: "The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable."

3.In a Yugoslavian hotel: "The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid."

4. In a Zurich hotel: "Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose."

5. In a Paris hotel elevator: "Please leave your values at the front desk."

6. In a Belgrade hotel elevator: "To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order."

7. In a Bangkok temple: "It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man."

8. In a Rome laundry: "Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time."

9. On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: "To stop the drip, turn cock to right."

10. In a Japanese hotel: "You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."

More Toilet Humor

2009-10-14T08:27:00.001-07:00

Can anyone understand what this sign means?

This toilet is for men, women and aliens

Terrorists and toilet rolls, is there a connection?

No emergency shit please

Nothing else?

Various styles of doing it

Toilet for ladies,man do it outside, but what is the warning for?

What Women Want In Men

2009-10-13T03:08:00.000-07:00

Original List (age 22):
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses smartly.
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

Revised List (age 32):
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at her jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one good tie & socks
8. Appreciates her home-cooked meals, makes tea for her
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week (with her of course !)

Revised List (age 42):
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn’t drive off until she’s seated in the car
3. Passes the TV remote to her willingly when she asks.
4. Nods head when she’s talking (vertically, not horizontally ! )
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Still agrees to visit her parents house.
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

Revised List (age 52):
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn’t belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn’t borrow money too often
4. Doesn’t nod off to sleep when she’s talking
5. Doesn’t re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh undergarments
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Talks to her relatives when they call up on phone
10. Shaves some weekends

Revised List (age 62):
1. Remembers where the bathroom is
2. Doesn’t spend much time in the bathroom
3. Doesn’t require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he’s laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears clothes (his clothes)
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it’s the weekend

Revised List (age 72):
1. Breathing
2.Doesn’t miss the toilet

Funny Names And Signs

2009-10-12T04:07:00.000-07:00

I am told that this is a real street in Scotland

I wonder what this doctor specializes in

The person that found this dog probably tried to eat it (Tasted like chicken)

Why should anyone want to lick it?

Confusing enough for you?

That's telling it like it is

I would definitely be visiting Sainsbury soon

Yeah they are both about the same size

I'll have the one on the stick and jerk chicken

Really?

Celebrity Quotes

2009-10-11T08:23:00.000-07:00

Women might be able to fake orgasms, But men can fake whole relationships." -
Sharon Stone

"I saw a heavy woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?" - Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." - Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." - Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." - Barbara Bush

"Ah, yes "divorce" from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." - Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." - Roseanne Barr

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." - Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, while, of course, men are just grateful." - Robert deNiro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" - Dustin Hoffman

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like, and just give her a house." - Rod Stewart

More Only In Pakistan

2009-10-09T03:38:00.001-07:00

What Is Bush?

The latest McD outlet

Yes, that would be the sensible thing to do

Nokia phones diversifying

Chick Point or Check Point

Pakistan is blessed because it has more hours in a day than anywhere else

Who needs a truck?

Only In Pakistan

2009-10-07T02:22:00.000-07:00

When you can afford to drive a mercs you must make it as prominent as possible.

Unless it is some sort of a secret weapon that we have not heard of, I think the word should be "condone"

We transport wrecked cars

Thanks for this educational information

Ambalans or Ambulance?

Adidas misspelled

This is a good way to carry bull dozers around

Canadian Russian Couple

2009-09-30T06:23:00.000-07:00

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts! The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

(Please scroll down)

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What were you thinking?

Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!

Bad Comb Day

2009-09-27T04:01:00.000-07:00

I do not know why some people insists on combing their hair in a certain way to hide the baldness, don't they realise that there is no way to comb over without looking silly. Here are a few examples, and included are some well known celebrities.

An X-Rated Survey

2009-09-25T08:02:00.000-07:00

5,000 men were asked to complete a survey on what they liked best about "Oral Sex ?":

a.. 3% liked the warmth.

b.. 4% enjoyed the sensation.

c.. 93% appreciated the silence

Funny Seat Belts

2009-09-23T19:43:00.000-07:00

Probably first time on an aeroplane

This is one way to save on car child seat

Who needs a seat belt on toilets?

Wow where can I find this seat belt

I agree!

End Of Fasting, Eid Mubarak

2009-09-19T09:20:00.000-07:00

Today 20 September 2009 Muslims throughout the world will be celebrating their one month of fasting (Muslims do not eat or drink for from sunrise to sunset) and will celebrate the day of Eid. It is good to remember on this auspicious day that there are a lot of people that are in hunger not just for one month but throughout the year. They fast not because they want to but because they have to....

Eid Mubarak and Selamat Hari Raya. I will be taking a few days off from blogging, See you when I get back!

Watch Out Idiots Are All Around Us

2009-09-16T06:24:00.000-07:00

Lets face it there are a lot of idiots out there doing stupid things.

Like this lady who is risking her life to get the window cleaned.

This parent is too lazy to push the pram so takes ride as well

Sleeping on a rail track?

This is one way to close the crack

Didn't anybody told them electricity and water don't mix

Do You Have A Dirty Mind?

2009-09-15T06:50:00.000-07:00

This is not man made

Ice Cream Anyone

Can you spot it?

This is an instruction for a furniture

The secret ingredient in baking a cake

For Yoga Lovers And Drinkers

2009-09-13T05:22:00.001-07:00

Research confirms that drinking gives you the same benefits yoga does

Savasana
Position of total relaxation.

Balasana
Position that brings the sensation of peace and calm.

Setu Bandha Sarvangasana
This position calms the brain and heals tired legs.

Marjayasana
Position stimulates the midrift area and the spinal column.

Halasana
Excellent for back pain and insomnia.

Dolphin
Excelent for the shoulder area, thorax, legs, and arms.

Salambhasana
Great exercise to stimulate the lumbar area, legs, and arms.

Ananda Balasana
This position is great for massaging the hip area.

Malasana
This position, for ankles and back muscles.

How To Keep Your Wits With You In Time Of Grief

2009-09-12T07:52:00.001-07:00

Jim died.

His will provided $40,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Sharon turned to her oldest and dearest friend. 'Well, I'm sure Jim would be pleased,' she said.

I'm sure you're right,' replied Brenda, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.

How much did this really cost?'

'All of it,' said Sharon . 'Forty thousand.'

'No!' Brenda exclaimed. 'I mean, it was very nice, but $40,000?'

Sharon answered, 'The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to church. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone.'

Brenda computed quickly. '$32,500 for a Memorial Stone? How big is it?'

This is the Memorial Stone!..

The Difference Between Europe And USA

2009-09-10T15:16:00.000-07:00

Funny Ways Of Taking Pictures

2009-09-08T08:23:00.001-07:00

Have you ever wondered how you look like in your quest to get the perfect shot?

Yes spread it

Hold still

I bet the photographer is prettier than the subject

Classic half squat

Lady you got the camera backwards

Dumbest Quotes Ever

2009-09-06T21:48:00.000-07:00

I cannot attest to their accuracy...But aren't they hilarious?

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas.

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"--Lee Iacocca

"The word 'genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, former US president

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, former US Vice President

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

Selling The Blue Pill

2009-09-05T03:57:00.000-07:00

Here are some creative advertisements on Viagra.

Which One Is Pregnant?

2009-09-04T07:50:00.000-07:00

What's In The Middle? The White Stuff...

2009-09-03T05:55:00.000-07:00

Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into their personalities. Choose which method best describes your favorite method of eating Oreos:

1. The whole thing all at once.
2. One bite at a time
3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results of each bite afterwards.
4. In little feverous nibbles.
5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee...).
6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
10.I don't have a favorite way because I don't like Oreos.

Your Personality:

1. The whole thing:
This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with his or her children.

2. One bite at a time:
You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreos this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but that's okay, not to worry, you're normal.

3. Slow and Methodical:
You follow the rules. You're very tidy and orderly. You're very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to the point of being anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if you're only going to go the speed limit.

4. Feverous Nibbles:
Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental breakdowns and suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good.

5. Dunked:
Every one likes you because you are always up beat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction.

6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie:
You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior.

7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie:
You are good at business and take risk that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But that's ok, you don't care, you got yours.

8. Just the cookie, not the inside:
You enjoy pain.

9. I just like to lick them, not eat them:
Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional medical help - immediately.

10. I don't have a favorite way, I don't like Oreos:
You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear nice things, and go to upscale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a prissy.

Don't Torture Your Women

2009-08-30T07:13:00.000-07:00

What is wrong with men these days? The word gentlemen are no longer in their vocabulary! Just look at these pictures.

That's right let the woman carry the load while the man has a smoke

The woman can sleep outside, rain or shine while the man sleep comfortably in the tent.

Let the woman carry the heavier load.

Women kept in a cage?

The women has to swim and pull the raft to safety

The woman has to row

The woman carry the goods while the man stroll along under his umbrella

Hot Chicks In Tub Together

2009-08-29T06:39:00.000-07:00

Fooled you didn't I? I was told to use this kind of headings if I want to get more traffic. For those of you who came expecting real hot chicks... Sorry to disappoint you! :)

For Lovers Of The English Language

2009-08-29T06:34:00.000-07:00

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lockUP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP . We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP .

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP , so...it is time to shut UP !

What Will They Think Of Next?

2009-08-28T15:53:00.000-07:00

To All Non Pet Owners

2009-08-27T06:12:00.000-07:00

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT MY PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy,walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't hang out with drug-using people;
(7) don't smoke or drink,
(8) don't want to wear your clothes,
(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children

Funny And Confusing Signs

2009-08-26T03:27:00.000-07:00

Yeah take the escalator before the workout begins

What is the purpose of this sign?

Every public toilet should have one

This sign is asking for it

Two competing McDonalds

Does this dumpster really attract babies

Move along

I thought slavery no longer in exist

Wow no discount sale

You have been warned

Yes good luck following this sign

You Can't Have Everything

I wonder if the dead pets are buried or ....

What sort of things?

Marriage Quotes By Men

2009-08-24T16:25:00.001-07:00

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out..'

Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!' Martha replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!'

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

There's No Reason To Be Sad As Even Animals Are Laughing

2009-08-23T14:24:00.001-07:00

Your Annual Dementia Test

2009-08-23T03:50:00.000-07:00

It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test. Fail this test and you are not only a senior citizen, you are well into geezerhood, hehehe!

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! The test below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. Do not peek at the answer until you've already answered the question. OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

Q1. What do you put in a toaster?

A1. Bread. If you said "toast", give up now and do something else ... like knit or whittle. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said "bread", go to Question 2.

Q2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk". What do cows drink?

A2. Cows drink water. If you said "milk", don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature, such as Auto World. However, if you said "water", proceed to Question 3.

Q3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?

A3. Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks", why the hell are you still reading these?!! If you said "glass", go on to Question 4.

Q. 4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany). Anyway, during the flight two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately, he fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany? Or no man's land?

A4. You don't bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next questions.

Q5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?

A5. Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!
Now pass this on to your friends and pray they do better than you.

P.S. 95% of people fail most of the questions! Hey, at least you're in the majority, hehehe!

Do You Dare Wear These T-Shirts?

2009-08-22T07:15:00.000-07:00

Can I Borrow $25?

2009-08-21T19:24:00.000-07:00

A man came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find his 5-year old son waiting for him at the door.

SON: 'Daddy, may I ask you a question?'

DAD: 'Yeah sure, what it is?' replied the man.

SON: 'Daddy, how much do you make an hour?'

DAD: 'That's none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?' the man said angrily.

SON: 'I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?'

DAD: 'If you must know, I make $50 an hour.'

SON: 'Oh,' the little boy replied, with his head down.

SON: 'Daddy, may I please borrow $25?'

The father was furious, 'If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you are being so selfish. I don't work hard everyday for such childish frivolities.'

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.

The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy's questions. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?

After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think: Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $25.00 and he really didn't ask for money very often The man went to the door of the little boy's room and opened the door.

'Are you asleep, son?' He asked.

'No daddy, I'm awake,' replied the boy.

'I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier' said the man. 'It's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here's the $25 you asked for.'

The little boy sat straight up, smiling. 'Oh, thank you daddy!' he yelled. Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills.

The man saw that the boy already had money, started to get angry again.

The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his father.

'Why do you want more money if you already have some?' the father grumbled.

'Because I didn't have enough, but now I do,' the little boy replied.

'Daddy, I have $50 now. Can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you.'

The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little son, and he begged for his forgiveness.

It's just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life. We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts. Do remember to share that $50 worth of your time with someone you love.

If we die tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of hours. But the family & friends we leave behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives.

Ladies Be Extra Careful

2009-08-19T16:02:00.000-07:00

Ladies you have to be extra careful, there are a lot of weirdos out there as the following pictures will attest.

Every opportunity they get

How brave they are

Famous celebrities are particularly vulnerable

Even kids are doing it

Do you detect a camera there?

A poster warning of these crimes

At least these boys are enjoying it

The Greatest Benefits of Being Over 50...

2009-08-19T07:58:00.000-07:00

Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.

You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You sing along with elevator music.

Your eyes won't get much worse.

Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

Funny License Plate

2009-08-17T04:22:00.000-07:00

Don't we all want to say this

Confirms the blonde stereotype

Smart owner, message can only be read through the mirror

Most nerds now are rich - driving a merc

I like this one for all the drivers out there

Are you?

That's more like it

Who dares to overtake this car?

Good name

They drive BMW's?

Good excuse

Must be a fat driver

Now hers

This says it all

Chain Letters

2009-08-16T22:39:00.001-07:00

I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your chain letters over the past two years.

Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of your concern.......

I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our troops.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer go to bars because someone will drug me and take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to 7 of my friends and make a wish within 5 minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who has been dying for the past seven years.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

Now to Return the Favor:

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will fly over your head at 5:00 PM and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your armpits.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend's neighbor's cousin, and he's a lawyer. So you'd better get going on that e-mail!!!

Construction Gone Wrong

2009-08-15T17:08:00.000-07:00

What is it supposed to record?

What are these steps for?

Shouldn't they meet somewhere

The window is slipping away

Looks like an ancient monument

Escalator to nowhere

Someone forgot the door

Nice view of trains passing by

Building around the lamp post

Entrance only for those who can go through walls

Cash machines for basketball players

Must be very close friends

The Things That Drive A Sane Person Mad

2009-08-15T04:01:00.001-07:00

You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.

The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.

The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.

There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.

You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.

There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.

You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.

Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.

A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.

There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray.

You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.

The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.

A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling (or braces).

You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am.

The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.

You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.

People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.

Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.

You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it.

You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing.

You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can't find it.

You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.

Telling It Like It Is

2009-08-13T07:57:00.001-07:00

What does racism has to do with food?

What do you do after dipping it? Eat it?

Only an ass would hire this company

Is mint a new family planning?

Hope they have many toilets

A more honest sign you won't find

Who would fall into a trance in front of snakes?
Also this is the first time I hear about a snake temple

What do you feed window cleaners?

Yes, we hear you loud and clear, you hate people!

Hope so too!

All In The Perspective

2009-08-13T07:44:00.000-07:00

Two mothers met for coffee. “Well Ruthie, how are the kids?”

“To tell you the truth, my son has married a real tramp!” says Ruth. “She doesn’t get out of bed until 11. She’s out all day spending his money on Heaven knows what, and when he gets home, exhausted, does she have a nice hot dinner for him? Ha! She makes him take her out to dinner at an expensive restaurant.”

“Oh! What a shame. And how about your daughter?”

“Ah! Now there’s a lucky girl. She has married a saint. He brings her breakfast in bed, he gives her enough money to buy whatever she needs, and in the evening he always takes her out to dinner at a nice restaurant.”

All Things Funny

2009-08-12T04:33:00.000-07:00

That is an effective family planning

The decorators have a weird sense of humour

Wow Great Name

Another Great Name

Willing to take the risk?

At The Doctor's Receptionist

2009-08-12T04:07:00.000-07:00

There's nothing worse than a doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's waiting room. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded doctor's waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Some People Can Sleep Anywhere

2009-08-10T09:24:00.000-07:00

Evolution Of Mom

2009-08-08T03:46:00.000-07:00

Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:

Your Clothes -
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes.

The Baby's Name -
1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.

2nd baby: Someone has to name their kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.

3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger falls. Bimaldo? Perfect!

Preparing for the Birth -
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.

3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette -
1st baby: You prewash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries -
1st baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown - you pick up the baby.

2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.

3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Activities -
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.

2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out -
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.

2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.

3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home -
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Funny Dustbins

2009-08-06T08:59:00.000-07:00

Very Sensible Warning

I wonder where this is, they actually have a place to throw away cars

The sign translated means "Do not throw rubbish here". Obviously someone did not understand the sign.

No more space

What are we suppose to do with it?

This is one bin that I look forward to using

Women's Bumper Stickers

2009-08-06T08:37:00.001-07:00

'So many men, so few who can afford me.'

'Coffee, chocolate, men ... some things are just better rich.'

'Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.'

'Guys have feelings too, But ... who cares?'

'And your point is?'

'Next mood swing: 6 minutes.'

'If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.'

All About Pee

2009-08-05T14:37:00.000-07:00

I don't know what this sign actually mean. Probably you better watch where you pee, or you might lose it.

What did you have to drink?

Anybody want to try this?

Self explanatory

Having some fun

Murphy's Law of Children

2009-08-05T14:32:00.000-07:00

1. The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning.

2. For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.

3. Toys multiply to fill any space available.

4. The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it.

5. Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave.

6. If the shoe fits..it's expensive.

7. The surest way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it.

8. The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.

9. Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.

10. The more challenging the child, the more rewarding it is to be a parent..sometimes.

Leave Me Alone

2009-08-04T08:36:00.000-07:00

Please Don't Leave Me

Son, when you grow up you will know that some things are better than food

Ahhh... Leave me alone I want to sleep

It All Comes Back Around

2009-08-04T08:32:00.000-07:00

At age 4 success is . . . . not piddling in your pants.

At age 12 success is . . . having friends.

At age 17 success is . . having a driver's license.

At age 35 success is . . . .having money.

At age 50 success is . . . having money.

At age 70 success is . ... . having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is . . . having friends.

At age 80 success is . .. . Not piddling in your pants.

Boys Will Be Boys

2009-07-31T08:55:00.000-07:00

How Do You Prosecute Them With A Name Like That?

2009-07-30T16:54:00.000-07:00

This is a true story.

Australian Police have been unable to recommend a prosecution for the following scam:

A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments via check.

After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers' money in the form of a company check.

However, due to the name of the company, few people ever bother to present these to their banks. The name of the company:

'The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company'.

Why Didn't We Think Of These Inventions Before?

2009-07-29T16:27:00.000-07:00

A Very Good 80/20 Rule

2009-07-29T16:21:00.000-07:00

In most cases, especially in relationships, you will only get 80% of what you NEED and you will hardly get the other 20% that you WANT in your relationship.

There is always another person (man or women) that you will meet and that will offer you the other 20% which is lacking in your relationship that you WANT.

And believe me, 20% looks really good when you are not getting it at all in your current relationship.
But the problem is that you will always be tempted to leave that good 80% that you know you have, thinking that you will get something better with the other 20% that you WANT.
But as reality has proven, in most cases, you will always end up with having the 20% that you WANT and loosing the 80% that you really NEED and that you already had.
Be careful in deciding between what you WANT and NEED in your life.

Adultery happens when you start looking for what you don't have. 'Wow, this girl in my office is a real looker. But it's not her Wynona Rider features that got me. I'm crazy about her because she's also understanding, intelligent, tender - so many things that my spouse is not'.

Somewhere along the way, you'll find a woman or a man who will be more charming or sensitive. More alluring. More thoughtful. Richer. Have greater sex appeal.

And you will find a woman or man who will need you and pursue you and go loco over you more than your spouse ever did.

Because no wife or husband is perfect. Because a spouse will only have 80% of what you're looking for. So adultery takes place when a husband or wife looks for the missing 20%. Let's say your wife is melancholic by nature.

You may find yourself drawn to the pretty clerk who has a cherry laugh no matter what she says: 'I broke my arm yesterday, Hahahaha . . ..'

Or because your wife is a homebody in slippers and pajamas, smelling of garlic and fish oil.
You may fall for a fresh-smelling young sales representative that visits your office in a sharp black blazer, high heels, and a red pencil-cut skirt.
Or because your husband is the quiet type, your heart may skip a beat when you meet an old
college flame who has the makings of a talk show host.

But wait! That's only 20% of what you don't have. Don't throw away the 80% that you already have!

That's not all. Add to your spouse's 80% the 100% that represents all the years that you have been with each other.
The storms you have weathered together.
The unforgettable moments of sadness and joy as a couple.
The many adjustments you have made to love the other.
The wealth of memories that you've accumulated as lovers.

Adultery happens when you start looking for what you don't have.
But faithfulness happens when you start thanking God for what you already have.

But I'm not just talking about marriage.
I'm talking about life!

About your jobs.
About your friends.
About your children.
About your lifestyles.

Are you like the economy airline passenger that perennially peeks through the door of the first class cabin, obsessed with what he's missing?
'
They have got more leg room! Oh my, their food is served in porcelain!
Wow, their seats recline at an 80% angle and they've got personal videos!'

I guarantee you'll be miserable for the entire trip!
Don't live your life like that.
Forget about what the world says is first class.
Do you know that there are many first class passengers who are miserable in first class -- because they are not riding in a private Lear Jet?

The main message???

If you start appreciating what you have right now, wherever you are, you are first class!

Nature Has A Sense Of Humour

2009-07-28T05:33:00.000-07:00

Love, Lust And Marriage

2009-07-28T05:32:00.000-07:00

LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.

LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.

LOVE - When you share everything you own.
LUST - When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.

LOVE - When your only concern is for your partner's feelings.
LUST - When your only concern is to find a room with mirrors all around.
MARRIAGE - When your only concern is what's on TV.

LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST - When you only see each other naked.
MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.

LOVE - When your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST - When your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties every time you see them.

LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.

LOVE- You only leave the house to buy coffee and croissants.
LUST- You only leave the house to buy condoms.
MARRIAGE- You only leave the house when you're allowed to.