What Men Would Like To Say To Women

01.  If you think you're fat, you probably are.   Don't ask us.

02.  Learn to work the toilet seat, if it is up, put it down.

03.  Don't cut your hair.  Ever.

04.  Sometimes we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

05.  Get rid of your cat.

06.  Sunday = sports.

07.  Anything you wear is fine.  Really.

08.  Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their     right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

09.  You have too many shoes.

10.  Crying is blackmail.

11.  Ask for what you want.  Subtle hints don't work.

12.  Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

13.  Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than pissing from     point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

14.  Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

15.  A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a      doctor.

16.  Don't fake it.  We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

17.  Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an      argument.

18.  If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't      expect us to act like soap opera guys.

19.  If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of    the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

20.  Let us ogle.  If we don't look at other women, how can we      know how pretty you are?

21.  Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

22.  You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done - not both.

23.  Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do  we.

24.  You have enough clothes.

25.  Nothing says "I Love You" like sex.

Dictionary For Decoding Women's Personal Ads:

40-ish................................49.

Adventurous.......................Slept with everyone.

Athletic...............................No breasts.

Average looking....................Moooo.

Beautiful..............................Pathological liar.

Emotionally Secure..............On medication.

Feminist..............................Fat.

Free spirit............................Junkie.

Friendship first......................Former slut.

New-Age..............................Body hair in the wrong places.

Old-fashioned.......................No BJs.

Open-minded.......................Desperate.

Outgoing..............................Loud and Embarrassing.

Professional.........................Bitch.

Voluptuous..........................Very Fat.

Large frame.........................Hugely Fat.

Wants Soul mate.................Stalker.

What Women Want In Men

Original List (age 22):
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses smartly.
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

Revised List (age 32):
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at her jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one good tie & socks
8. Appreciates her home-cooked meals, makes tea for her
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week (with her of course !)

Revised List (age 42):
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn’t drive off until she’s seated in the car
3. Passes the TV remote to her willingly when she asks.
4. Nods head when she’s talking (vertically, not horizontally ! )
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Still agrees to visit her parents house.
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

Revised List (age 52):
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn’t belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn’t borrow money too often
4. Doesn’t nod off to sleep when she’s talking
5. Doesn’t re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh undergarments
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Talks to her relatives when they call up on phone
10. Shaves some weekends

Revised List (age 62):
1. Remembers where the bathroom is
2. Doesn’t spend much time in the bathroom
3. Doesn’t require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he’s laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears clothes (his clothes)
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it’s the weekend

Revised List (age 72):
1. Breathing
2.Doesn’t miss the toilet

Ethnic Guide To Women

Some might accuse me of being racist and sexist with this joke. But it is really funny and you should not take it seriously.

1. A CAUCASIAN WOMAN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.

2. IRISH WOMAN:
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

3. ITALIAN WOMAN:
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3 carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.

4. JEWISH WOMAN:
First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.

5. POLISH WOMAN:
First Date: You go to pick her up, and she isn't home.
She gave you the wrong address.
Second Date: You decide to meet at a restaurant. She gets lost getting to the
restaurant and then again going home.
Third Date: She's pregnant. She's not sure if its hers.

6. CHINESE WOMAN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you have already realized
nothing is going to happen.

7. INDIAN WOMAN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.

8. BLACK WOMAN:
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.

9. LATIN WOMAN:
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get her drunk on Riunite,
have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She is pregnant.
Third Date: Move in with her, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend
and live happily ever after eating rice and beans in the Bronx.

What Women Say And And They Mean

1. FINE
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

2. FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.

3. NOTHING
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

4. GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

5. GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

6. LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

7. SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

8. OH
This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night". If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.

9. THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

10. PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

11. THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.

12. THANKS A LOT
This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".

50 Reasons Why Being A Woman Is Better

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

7. Taxis stop for us.

8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

9. Free drinks, free dinners.

10. We can hug our friends without wondering if they're gay.

11. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.

12. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

13. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

14. No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.

15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

17. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her butt.

18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

21. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

22. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

23. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

24. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

25. We'll never regret piercing our ears.

26. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

27. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

28. Men’s nipples are useless - both in terms of sex, and biological effectiveness.

29. Men cannot solve the problem, just crying.

30. Men are never given flowers. Except at their own funeral.

31. They cannot scratch during orgasm. Bite is also not recommended. And women can!

32. After orgasm they cannot have another orgasm immediately. Even if they would like.

33. They have no valid reasons to remain in a bad mood, play pranks and behave irrationally during four days of every twenty-eight.

34. When they gain weight, no part of the body, making them sexual, increases in volume.

35. Even if a man gets so fat, that becomes looking like a woman at the 9th month of pregnancy, nobody will still give him way in the subway.

36. They have no choice what to wear - skirt or pants.

37. In fact, you can choose a skirt. But it must be checkered, like a Scottish one.

38. They need to shave only one part of the body, but every day.

39. Any man can be hit between legs.

40. When a woman hits a man, he cannot strike back. This is a law, which cannot be ignored.

41. Women earn more than men in the easiest and most pleasant areas of economy. For example, in fashion industry. Or porno.

42. If a man has neither intellect, nor speed of mind, he cannot use all of this in his favor, just wearing a fitting T-shirt.

43. They are not given rings and earrings, pendants and bracelets, gold and diamonds.

44. Women do not shout them on the street: “Can I have your phone number?”

45. They are not asked: “What are you doing tonight?”

46. They are not treated with alcohol only because they have long legs and elastic buttocks.

47. In the bathroom, they are at risk of splashing their boots.

48. They have no sexual lingerie. All they have - the pants that are currently recognized as the most recent.

49. Even worse: if a man dresses stylishly and sexually, he surely will be accepted for a member of sexual minorities.

50. A woman cannot be morally destroyed through an obscene comment about lack of her sexual organ.

Men,,,, don't despair read 50 Reasons Why Being A Man Is Better

Women Drivers

Summer Classes For Women

THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
STEP BY STEP, WITH SLIDE PRESENTATION.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

CLASS 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or COMPLAINING
About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

CLASS 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

CLASS 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and
Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

CLASS 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

CLASS 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

CLASS 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

CLASS 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

CLASS 9
I WAS WRONG AND HE WAS RIGHT!--REAL LIFE TESTIMONIALS.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

CLASS 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance
Claim.
Driving Simulations..
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

CLASS 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers
Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

CLASS 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

CLASS 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering To Take a List To The Store,
Avoiding Separate Trips for Each Item Needed.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

CLASS 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

(Any Men dare to ask the Mrs to enrol any of the classes?)