Monday, December 28, 2009

Historically Accepted Uses Of The F-Word

There are only ten times in history when the F-word has been considered acceptable for use. They are as follows:

1. "What the f*ck do you mean, we are Sinking?"
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912.

2. "What the f*ck was that?"
-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945.

3. "Where did all those f*cking Indians come from?"
-- Gen. Armstrong Custer, 1877.

4. "Any f*cking idiot could understand that."
-- Einstein, 1938.

5. "It does so f*cking look like her!"
-- Picasso, 1926.

6. "How the f*ck did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 B.C.

7. "You want WHAT on the f*cking ceiling?"
-- Michelangelo, 1566.

8. "Where the f*ck am I?"
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937.

9. "Scattered f*cking showers, my ass!"
-- Noah, 4314 B.C.

10. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this f*cking mad."
-- Saddam Hussein, 2003.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Because I'm a Man

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling the AAA is not an option. I will win.

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers, as a form of holy communion.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole program looking for it.

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, hunting, sex, cars, sex, tractors, sex, fishing, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the film. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't...and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2009, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.... like wandering around in the garden with a beer, wondering what to do.

This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Great Inventions

Convenient way to butter the bread

No more spilling. Direct to the eyes

Sleep in peace

No more losing umbrellas

Eating spaghetti without the hassle

Total protection against rain

Tissue on the ready

Noodle cooler

A spoon and a fork

Wouldn't every man loves this invention

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Are You Smarter Than A Preschooler?

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.

The correct answer is: open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2 . How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong answer.

Correct answer: open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The lion king is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend .... Except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct answer : the elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.? This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Correct answer:? You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the animal meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson consulting worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.
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