What Famous People Say About You Know What

I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted - George Best

What do I know about sex? I’m a married man.” –Tom Clancy

“I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.” –Steve Martin

“Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it’s pretty damned good.” –Woody Allen

“Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.” –Unknown

“My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it kind of hard for him to come out of the closet.” –Bill Kelly

“Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.” –Henry Miller

“The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn’t mean that God doesn’t love heterosexuals. It’s just that they need more supervision.” –Lynn Lavner

“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.” –P. J. O’Rourke

“As the French say, there are three sexes–men, women and clergymen.” –Rev. Sydney Smith

“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.” –Woody Allen

“I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.” –George Burns

“It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.” –Matt Barry

“You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.” –Drew Carey

“Life is a sexually transmitted disease.” –Unknown

“Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.” –Woody Allen

“Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.” –George Burns

Funny Signs From Around The World

This is from Thailand, they really respect drunks

A sign at an English pub

Anyone wants to try this Thailand restaurant?

How do they know?

You cannot even stand in New York

From Germany, very confusing sign

Australia, they always think of the husband

And in New Zealand also, seat for bored husbands

Defining Teenagers

A Teenager is...

A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.

A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.

A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday.

Someone who can hear a song by Madonna played three blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.

A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed.

A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam and 12 hours for her driver's license.

A youngster who is well informed about anything he doesn't have to study.

An enthusiast who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.

A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud.

A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother.

A person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a rock concert.

A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.

A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.

A boy who can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the lawn needs mowing.

An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.

Great Sporting Moments

Just checking

You are kicking the wrong ball

What are you pointing at?

Read the names on jersey

Take that

Wrestling football

What a kick

Wild start

A good footballer can balance the ball anywhere

Lost In Translation

The following are from actual signs found in hotels and other venues in countries where English is not the main language.

1. In another Japanese hotel room: "Please to bathe inside the tub."

2. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: "The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable."

3.In a Yugoslavian hotel: "The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid."

4. In a Zurich hotel: "Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose."

5. In a Paris hotel elevator: "Please leave your values at the front desk."

6. In a Belgrade hotel elevator: "To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order."

7. In a Bangkok temple: "It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man."

8. In a Rome laundry: "Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time."

9. On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: "To stop the drip, turn cock to right."

10. In a Japanese hotel: "You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."

More Toilet Humor

Can anyone understand what this sign means?

This toilet is for men, women and aliens

Terrorists and toilet rolls, is there a connection?

No emergency shit please

Nothing else?

Various styles of doing it

Toilet for ladies,man do it outside, but what is the warning for?

What Women Want In Men

Original List (age 22):
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses smartly.
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

Revised List (age 32):
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at her jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one good tie & socks
8. Appreciates her home-cooked meals, makes tea for her
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week (with her of course !)

Revised List (age 42):
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn’t drive off until she’s seated in the car
3. Passes the TV remote to her willingly when she asks.
4. Nods head when she’s talking (vertically, not horizontally ! )
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Still agrees to visit her parents house.
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

Revised List (age 52):
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn’t belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn’t borrow money too often
4. Doesn’t nod off to sleep when she’s talking
5. Doesn’t re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh undergarments
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Talks to her relatives when they call up on phone
10. Shaves some weekends

Revised List (age 62):
1. Remembers where the bathroom is
2. Doesn’t spend much time in the bathroom
3. Doesn’t require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he’s laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears clothes (his clothes)
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it’s the weekend

Revised List (age 72):
1. Breathing
2.Doesn’t miss the toilet

Funny Names And Signs

I am told that this is a real street in Scotland

I wonder what this doctor specializes in

The person that found this dog probably tried to eat it (Tasted like chicken)

Why should anyone want to lick it?

Confusing enough for you?

That's telling it like it is

I would definitely be visiting Sainsbury soon

Yeah they are both about the same size

I'll have the one on the stick and jerk chicken

Really?

Celebrity Quotes

Women might be able to fake orgasms, But men can fake whole relationships." -
Sharon Stone

"I saw a heavy woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?" - Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." - Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." - Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." - Barbara Bush

"Ah, yes "divorce" from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." - Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." - Roseanne Barr

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." - Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, while, of course, men are just grateful." - Robert deNiro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" - Dustin Hoffman

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like, and just give her a house." - Rod Stewart

More Only In Pakistan

What Is Bush?

The latest McD outlet

Yes, that would be the sensible thing to do

Nokia phones diversifying

Chick Point or Check Point

Pakistan is blessed because it has more hours in a day than anywhere else

Who needs a truck?

Only In Pakistan

When you can afford to drive a mercs you must make it as prominent as possible.

Unless it is some sort of a secret weapon that we have not heard of, I think the word should be "condone"

We transport wrecked cars

Thanks for this educational information

Ambalans or Ambulance?

Adidas misspelled

This is a good way to carry bull dozers around