Friday, December 21, 2012

Humorous Marriage Quotes by Famous People

"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career." - Gloria Steinem

"Marriage is a lot like the army: everyone complains, but you'd be surprised at the large number that re-enlist." - James Garner

"Women complain about sex more than men. Their gripes fall into two major categories: 1. Not enough; 2. Too much." - Ann Landers

"Both of my ex-wives closed their eyes when making love, because they didn't want to see me having a good time." - Joseph Wambaugh

"Basically, my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats." - Woody Allen

" I told someone I was getting married, and they said, 'Have you picked a date yet?' I said, 'Wow, you can bring a date to your own wedding?" What a country!" - Yakov Smirnoff

"Why can't a woman be more like a man?" - Alan Jay Lerner

"The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret." - Henny Youngman

Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them." - Ogden Nash

"I'm the only man who has a marriage license made out, 'To Whom It May Concern." - Mickey Rooney 

Thursday, December 6, 2012

It Is Not What It Seems

 All in the mind, or it this case in the eyes

 Mouse or what?

It's a fruit

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

The Geography of a Woman

Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan.
Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very
hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina.
She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She
lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very
wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia.
With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows

where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Man

Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Aussie Slang

One who has bleached/dyed her hair blonde but still has a 'black box'.

Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

A vulgar (but still excellent) term for the female genitalia.

A homosexual.

The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning.

The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where you live, how you get there, and where you've come from.

Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.

A hard-on that causes an argument, e.g. one that arises when a man is watching Olympic beach volleyball on TV with his girlfriend.

Your first piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking.

After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

BRUCE LEE Erect nipple (as in, a hard Nip).

The female erection.

DOUBLE BASS A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from behind, and then fiddles with the woman's nipples with one hand and her Budgie's Tongue with the other. The position is similar to that used when playing a double bass instrument, but the sound produced is slightly different.

A modern term for a cashpoint machine (ATM). Named so because it is common to visit one before going out on the booze.

Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her nipples simultaneously.

Surfing the Internet for some left-handed websites.

Liberate the residents of your Wank Tanks.

Unnecessarily time-consuming foreplay.

The sound made when driving through traffic at too high a speed.

GOING FOR A McSHIT Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a McShit With Lies.

A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

A vigorous masturbation session.

A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa!Aa! Aa!".

An attractive girl in tight shorts or jeans, etc. i.e. you can see the 'lips' moving but can't quite make out what they're saying.

The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with great looking people when you come back in.

The need to defecate imminently.

A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.

An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

A verbal outburst during the male orgasm.

A homosexual.

A deeply unattractive woman.

Bottled Alcopops, e.g. Hooch, regularly consumed by young women.

A lady who goes down first time out.

A lesbian.

Someone that you'd need 2 paper bags to have sex with (1 to cover their head, and 1 to cover yours, in case their bag falls off).

Menstruating i.e. out of action, a bit like a car in a garage. e.g. "I don't think I'll be in luck tonight lads, the missus isup on blocks".

Monday, October 22, 2012

What Men Would Like To Say To Women

01.  If you think you're fat, you probably are.   Don't ask us.

02.  Learn to work the toilet seat, if it is up, put it down.

03.  Don't cut your hair.  Ever.

04.  Sometimes we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

05.  Get rid of your cat.

06.  Sunday = sports.

07.  Anything you wear is fine.  Really.

08.  Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their     right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

09.  You have too many shoes.

10.  Crying is blackmail.

11.  Ask for what you want.  Subtle hints don't work.

12.  Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

13.  Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than pissing from     point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

14.  Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

15.  A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a      doctor.

16.  Don't fake it.  We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

17.  Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an      argument.

18.  If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't      expect us to act like soap opera guys.

19.  If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of    the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

20.  Let us ogle.  If we don't look at other women, how can we      know how pretty you are?

21.  Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

22.  You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done - not both.

23.  Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do  we.

24.  You have enough clothes.

25.  Nothing says "I Love You" like sex.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Why The Chinese Are Ahead

Two teams of American and Chinese corporations have a boat race. 

On the big day the  Chinese  win by a mile and the discouraged Americans hire a consulting firm to investigate the problem.

The findings are that the  Chinese  team had eight people rowing and one person steering while the American team had one rower and eight people steering. 

Based on these results, the American team is completely reorganized to include four steering managers, four steering area managers and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.

The following year the  Chinese  win again, so the Americans lay off the rower for poor performance and give the manager a bonus for discovering the problem.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Funny Funny Signs Again

                                            Are you sure?

                                         Isn't it obvious?

                                                                 Very creative

                                                                Forget the hands

                       Fat people can keep their clothes on

                                        More like aliens

                                                   Do it somewhere else

                        Why have this sign in the first place?

                         You have to pay even if you are dead

                  Are there places that we do not know about

                                    Another useless sign

Riddle For The Day

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.

Michael J. Fox has a little one.

Madonna doesn't have one.

The Pope has one but doesn't use it.

Clinton uses his all the time.

Obama is one.

Micky Mouse has an unusual one.

Liberace never used his on women.

Jerry Seinfield is very, very proud of his.

Cher claims that she took three.

We never saw Lucy use Desi's

What is it?

The answer is: A last name

You didn't think this was a dirty joke, did you?

C'mon man! Get your mind out of the gutter, Hehehe!
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