Dictionary For Women

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card

Some Privacy Please

Please leave us alone !!!

Simple Animal Test

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.

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The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

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Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
Attend …. Except one. Which animal does not attend?

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Correct Answer : The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and
You do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

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Correct Answer:? You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the Professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.

Third-grade Test

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, ‘Harry, what’s your problem?’

Harry answered, ‘I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!’

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal:
‘What is 3 x 3?’

Harry:
’9.’

Principal:
‘What is 6 x 6?’

Harry:
’36.’

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, ‘I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade’

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, ‘Let me ask him some questions..’

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, ‘What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?’

Harry, after a moment: ‘Legs.’

Ms. Brooks: ‘What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?’

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: ‘Pockets.’

Ms. Brooks: ‘What does a dog do that a man steps into?’

Harry: ‘Pants.’

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: ‘What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?’

The principal’s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied,

‘Bubble gum.’

Ms. Brooks: ‘What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?’

Harry: ‘Shake hands .’

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: ‘What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?’

Harry: ‘Firetruck.’

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, ‘Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.

Life Lessons Learned From A Dog

1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.

2. Don't go out without ID.

3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.

4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.

5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.

6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the face is effective.

7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged out from under the bed).

8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.

Funny Funny Signs

Don't Say You Have Not Been Warned

Watch Out For Policemen

Not Meant For Dancing

Take It Down Then

No No No....

Good Advice

We just have to wait and see

Long Walk

Every Restaurant Should Have This Sign

Think Before You Speak

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak

Have youu ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole?

Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did:

FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, 'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?' I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls.'

THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.' My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!' The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said 'No'. I kept thinking, 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.' Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?' 'No,' he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny, did you have an accident?' This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!' While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: 'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Global Recession

Everyone has to chip in

A Message From God

God looked down at the earth and wanted to know what kind of behavior was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When the angel returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not."

God was disappointed but thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion."

So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time, too.

True enough, when the second angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true - the Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good."

God was not pleased. He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to help them to continue being good.

Do you know what that E-mail said?

No?

Neither do I; I didn't get one either ... hehehe!

Who's Who

Wikipedia: I know everything!

Google: I have everything!

Facebook: I have everybody.

Internet: Without me you all are nothing.

Electricity: Keep talking bitches!

Bra Sizes

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F are the letters used to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why, but couldn’t figure out what the letters stood for… It is about time you became informed:

A … Almost Boobs
B … Barely there.
C … Can’t Complain!
D … Damn!
DD… Double damn!
E … Enormous!
F … Fake

Mind Reading

Only On Television

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick’s Day parade – at any time of the year.

All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

It’s easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off – even while scuba diving.

The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

You’re likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of you sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

People of TV never finish their drinks.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

The chief of police is always black.

When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note – just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.

Kitchens don’t have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.

Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.

Wearing a singlet or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.

A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

If a killer is lurking in your house, it’s easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath – even if it’s the middle of the afternoon.

Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.

All single women have a cat.

Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.

Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, “Hello?, Hello?”

Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings – especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts – your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.

During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.

When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

Dogs always know who’s bad and will naturally bark at them.

Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.

No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.

If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.

You can always find a chain saw whenever you’re likely to need one.

Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son’s eighth birthday.

Many musical instruments – especially wind instruments and accordions – can be played without moving the fingers.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

Guns are like disposable razors – if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always buy a new one.

Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

Don't You Just Love These Funny Signs

Wonder what this toilet sign message is. Beware of peeping toms?

The toilet should only be used for one purpose and no other things!

Yeah those on wheelchairs should not attempt dangerous stunts.

If this don't make you slow down, nothing else will.

Confusing... even the sign says good luck

You can say that again!

Which way is the one way?

You need to master quantam physics to understand this

What Does Love Mean?

1. “When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.” Rebecca – age 8

2. When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.” Billy – age 4

3. “Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.” Karl – age 5

4. “Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.” Chrissy – age 6

5. “Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.” Terri – age 4

6. “Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.” Danny – age 7

7. “Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss” Emily – age 8

8. “Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen,” Bobby – age 7

9. “If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,” Nikka – age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka’s on this planet)

10. “Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.” Noelle – age 7

11. “Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.” Tommy – age 6

12. “During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared.looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore.” Cindy – age 8

13. “My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don’t see anyone else kissing
me to sleep at night.” Clare – age 6

14. “Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.” Elaine – age 5

15. “Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.” Chris – age 7

16. “Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.” Mary Ann – age 4

17. “I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.” Lauren – age 4

18. “When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.” (what an image) Karen – age 7

19. “You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.” Jessica – age 8

20. Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman’s yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, “Nothing, I just helped him cry.”

Fat Girls Not Wanted

Notice how the not so perfect girl was edited out of the picture!

Dictionary For Decoding Women's Personal Ads:

40-ish................................49.

Adventurous.......................Slept with everyone.

Athletic...............................No breasts.

Average looking....................Moooo.

Beautiful..............................Pathological liar.

Emotionally Secure..............On medication.

Feminist..............................Fat.

Free spirit............................Junkie.

Friendship first......................Former slut.

New-Age..............................Body hair in the wrong places.

Old-fashioned.......................No BJs.

Open-minded.......................Desperate.

Outgoing..............................Loud and Embarrassing.

Professional.........................Bitch.

Voluptuous..........................Very Fat.

Large frame.........................Hugely Fat.

Wants Soul mate.................Stalker.

Cool Anti-Smoking Advertisements

Reasons for making / not making love

TO MY DEAR WIFE:
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
09 times you said weren’t in the mood
07 times you were sunburned
06 times you were watching the late show
05 times you didn’t want to mess up your new hairdo
03 times you said the neighbors would hear us
09 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
06 times you just laid there
08 times you reminded me there’s a crack in the ceiling
04 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
07 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
01 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn’t get more than you did:

05 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn’t cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
02 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
04 times you got it stuck in your zipper
03 times you had a cold and your nose was running
02 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
06 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc.on TV

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn’t talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was”Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?” The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

Why Do They Wear Funny T-Shirts?

Good way to find daddy

Fat chance...

Heil Hitler!

Nice

Not religious??

Prison Pix

Only too glad to meet them

You're sure?

Ohh what a turn off

Really?

Great T-shirt

Obvious

That is a good reason to drink

Sure we believe you...

Gone too far...

You wanna try?

Confirmed drinker

He he

What year?

And gained 400 pounds

Too drunk or too young?