Historically Accepted Uses Of The F-Word

There are only ten times in history when the F-word has been considered acceptable for use. They are as follows:

1. "What the f*ck do you mean, we are Sinking?"
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912.

2. "What the f*ck was that?"
-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945.

3. "Where did all those f*cking Indians come from?"
-- Gen. Armstrong Custer, 1877.

4. "Any f*cking idiot could understand that."
-- Einstein, 1938.

5. "It does so f*cking look like her!"
-- Picasso, 1926.

6. "How the f*ck did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 B.C.

7. "You want WHAT on the f*cking ceiling?"
-- Michelangelo, 1566.

8. "Where the f*ck am I?"
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937.

9. "Scattered f*cking showers, my ass!"
-- Noah, 4314 B.C.

10. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this f*cking mad."
-- Saddam Hussein, 2003.

Job Guaranteed

Because I'm a Man

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling the AAA is not an option. I will win.

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers, as a form of holy communion.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole program looking for it.

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, hunting, sex, cars, sex, tractors, sex, fishing, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the film. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't...and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2009, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.... like wandering around in the garden with a beer, wondering what to do.

This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.

Great Inventions

Convenient way to butter the bread

No more spilling. Direct to the eyes

Sleep in peace

No more losing umbrellas

Eating spaghetti without the hassle

Total protection against rain

Tissue on the ready

Noodle cooler

A spoon and a fork

Wouldn't every man loves this invention

Are You Smarter Than A Preschooler?

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.

The correct answer is: open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2 . How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong answer.

Correct answer: open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The lion king is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend .... Except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct answer : the elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.? This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Correct answer:? You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the animal meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson consulting worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.

Funny Wedding Pictures

I've always dreamed of an out of space wedding - Star Trek Wedding

Another one, this time Star Wars

Wonder what he is up to?

The only way he'll get married - stoned!

Wow lucky me!

Shotgun wedding?

Hey... my dress

Guess how long this marriage will last

And finally a word to the wise....

Lessons From A Dog's Life

If a dog was your teacher, you would learn stuff like:

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.

Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

Take naps.

Stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On hot days, drink lots of water, and lie under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around, and wag your entire body.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.

Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently.

When you are having a bad day, lick your balls.

Strange Toothpaste Ad

This toothpaste advertisement says it all

Procrastinator's Creed

You may wish to delay reading this until you have more free time.

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possiblity for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

7. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

8. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

9. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

10. I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

Why Germany Lost World War II

Some Kind Of Logic

If your father is a poor man, it is your fate. But if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity.

I was born intelligent - education ruined me.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.

How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Money is not everything. There's Mastercard and Visa.

One should love animals. They are so tasty.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

Stupid Signs

You have been warned

Will any brains do?

Yes that is the least you can do ... YELL!

Be sure to use the right camera

They must really hate soccer

Cause there is no where to put the coin in

Being big has its advantages

Keep it close

Journey Of A Man

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.
Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

How Many On A Motorbike?

What a load

Five on a bike

Eight people must be a record

Who needs a car anyway?

Sometimes one is too many

What Famous People Say About You Know What

I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted - George Best

What do I know about sex? I’m a married man.” –Tom Clancy

“I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.” –Steve Martin

“Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it’s pretty damned good.” –Woody Allen

“Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.” –Unknown

“My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it kind of hard for him to come out of the closet.” –Bill Kelly

“Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.” –Henry Miller

“The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn’t mean that God doesn’t love heterosexuals. It’s just that they need more supervision.” –Lynn Lavner

“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.” –P. J. O’Rourke

“As the French say, there are three sexes–men, women and clergymen.” –Rev. Sydney Smith

“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.” –Woody Allen

“I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.” –George Burns

“It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.” –Matt Barry

“You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.” –Drew Carey

“Life is a sexually transmitted disease.” –Unknown

“Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.” –Woody Allen

“Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.” –George Burns

Funny Signs From Around The World

This is from Thailand, they really respect drunks

A sign at an English pub

Anyone wants to try this Thailand restaurant?

How do they know?

You cannot even stand in New York

From Germany, very confusing sign

Australia, they always think of the husband

And in New Zealand also, seat for bored husbands

Defining Teenagers

A Teenager is...

A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.

A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.

A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday.

Someone who can hear a song by Madonna played three blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.

A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed.

A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam and 12 hours for her driver's license.

A youngster who is well informed about anything he doesn't have to study.

An enthusiast who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.

A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud.

A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother.

A person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a rock concert.

A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.

A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.

A boy who can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the lawn needs mowing.

An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.

Great Sporting Moments

Just checking

You are kicking the wrong ball

What are you pointing at?

Read the names on jersey

Take that

Wrestling football

What a kick

Wild start

A good footballer can balance the ball anywhere